To Whom It May Concern.

Hit it, Rowley:

To wait on a human to raise the stakes of your life is to ask for heartbreak. What you do is you keep going, keep moving. Carry all the things one more day, and don’t want it to end, because you’ll regret that particular want at the end.

Don’t be surprised when things come horrifically full circle. Don’t hold back the flood. Don’t wait for a hand to come out of nowhere; hands don’t come out of nowhere. Don’t, for godssake, think about what–whom–you may or may not have lost out on.

Remember when things were good, even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts. Remember the perfection you believed a human could be. Remember when a laugh was all it took to make your night. Remember how a person can clean up, if you’re unhurt enough to notice.

Once you’ve done that, try to forgive your indulgences. If at all possible, don’t hate yourself for being human. If at all possible, forgive yourself for abandoning yourself. If at all possible, forgive the hell those laughs led you to. Remember it’s not their fault. Remember that fault isn’t what it’s about.

Remember that fault is all anything is about.

 

Muster the tenuous calm until the shaking stops. Drink another cup of coffee so the shaking comes back. Repeat until frayed, repeat until grounded, ostensibly.

Hope, against all odds, that this particular cycle will repeat itself.

Try to think about moving someplace cold enough to reset those things that must be reset.

Don’t stop. Don’t wait up.

Keep going. Ostensibly.

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